It has been 569 days since I have heard your voice, seen you smile, held your hand, or been in your LIFE presence. People have said a thousand times that it will get better with time. The only thing that has gotten better is my hiding my feelings and emotions from everyone.

Losing a mother is like losing a part of your soul. It is not something you will ever bounce back from. She was my first everything. My mama was my first friend; I mean, she was the one who welcomed me into this world and loved me before I even arrived. She loved me on my worst days and my great days. My mama taught me how to do so much and stood by me as I grew into the person I am today.

Yes, I made mistakes, we all have, but she (and my dad) tried their best to create a life for me that I felt was worth living, and I know she would not have traded me for the world. Every time a holiday rolls around, these wounds open back up, and I face it all over again, the sting of knowing that my mama will not be there. I will forever wonder what things would have been like if things had played out differently and Mama had gotten better and started living again.

However, my precious mother would not want me stuck sulking over her death. That woman that meant so much to me would want me to move on in my life, celebrating that she existed in the first place each day. Because every day I think about her. She would want me to take pride and happiness in knowing that I was a huge part of what made her life worth living, along with my siblings, dad, and grandchildren. A huge part of my life is missing now that she is gone; no one can ever replace her. Nothing no one can say can take the pain away. The only comfort I get is knowing she is true to Jesus and I will see her again.

My mama was one of the strongest people in the world. She cared for her family as no one else could. When I lost my mama, I felt like I was no longer the same person, just as she thought she was not the same person when she became a mother. I felt like the world was crashing down around me. In many ways, it is hard to explain. I still have those days now!!!

Mama had been sick for some time, and we knew what was coming if God did not heal her on this side, what was coming? But we were still unprepared for what we would face on July 2, 2018. All I can remember from that day is I had stayed over the night before, so my dad had gone to get us breakfast. I helped Mama to the restroom and back to bed. When settled, she asked me, 'Son, will you brush Mama's hair?' I did. She asked me, 'Where everyone was' I said, 'My girls and Kaye were at Camp, and daddy was drinking coffee and eating.' 'Paula, Priscilla, Ira, and the rest would be over later.' She drank some water, as usual. Then she asked about Daddy, so he came in; she just had to see him sometimes. He went back to the kitchen. I sat with her. I said, 'Mama, I love you; she said, 'I love you more, baby.' I said, 'No, you don't.' She said, 'I know I do.'

It wasn't, but after a few minutes, she sat up with a gasp and a hiccup and fell back. I could not get her to look at me; she was breathing so shallowly. I screamed for Daddy. I do remember us loving her that day. Sadly, that is all I remember.

I remember a few people coming to the visitation and funeral, but that is about it. On July 2, 2018, a part of me died too; I will miss my mama until I close my eyes in death or go in the Rapture. I was a mama's boy, and I am not ashamed. If I brought me something, I wanted her to have one. I love that woman, the first love of my life.

You are a blessed soul if you are reading this and your mom is still with you. Take time to love her. Take her out to eat. Buy her a gift, a new dress, and send her flowers. Tell her you love her and all she means to you while you can. Don't wait to say it to a lifeless body.

I love you, mama

I will see you soon!